I am running this half marathon to raise money for Mind, a charity that I believe saves thousands of lives every single year; including mine. They provide vast support networks to let people know they are not alone. I am also running in memoriam of Stefan James Osgood, who sadly lost his battle with depression in March 2016.

PRE WARNING: This is an extremely personal story about why Mind is an important charity to me and how they have helped me in my journey. My experiences may influence how you feel about me so if you do not want to know a darker side to my life then please, feel free to read no further.

This is very difficult for me to type let alone talk about but I feel that by sharing my experiences it may help others that have found themselves in this situation.Mind promote openness about mental health and by sharing the things I have gone through, I have met some of my closest and most treasured friends.

I am a firm believer that talking about mental health is heavily stigmatized and by giving someone an open and honest account of a personal experience will not only help with awareness but also with compassion and understanding. 

Hello!

To those that know me, you know the struggles with Mental health I have had over the past few years. To those that don't, hello, I am Annie and I have mental health issues. 

It's not easy writing these things because I feel every time I open up, I show a little piece of myself that I wasn't sure if I was ready to reveal or not. It becomes incredibly easy to say to people 'I'm fine' when you're really not. You fight so hard to keep that illusion that it's difficult sometimes to admit you're not the 'happy' person everyone thinks you are. As time goes by though I know that not talking about your problems is far more damaging than talking about them.

So here goes. 

Just a heads up, I am going to be talking about some traumatic experiences here and I know for people who have recently experienced these, reading about them can be huge reminders of the trauma.

This is your trigger warning.

I have had chronic depression and anxiety for ~12 years. I am 22. It is scary sometimes to think that you have spent more of your life with a mental health condition than without. During that time I have also endured PTSD, psychotic episodes and long periods of self injury. 

During my teenage years I fell extremely ill with depression and couldn't control my self harm. I first showed signs of depression around 10 just after my parents separated. I ended up being hospitalized for a period of 9 months over the duration of two years when I was 17. I spent the majority of my time in Tamar unit at a institution in Maidenhead. It was extremely difficult being so far away from my family. I was glad of the space though as I feared that seeing me whilst I was ill would impact on how they saw me as a person. I cannot begin to imagine how my experiences must have been for them. Prior to being hospitalized, I went through a series of suicide attempts. I wish I could say that post hospitalization I never tried to kill myself again but sadly that would be lying. 

In July 2013 I was raped. 

It's taken me 3 years just to even be able to admit that to myself let alone share it with others. I'm not going to give you dates or names or locations as I don't feel any of that matters. I went to the Police and they dealt with the matter.  I was scared and angry and confused. I felt dirty and ashamed but also like I had deserved what had happened to me because I drank what they gave me. Having evidence collected was degrading and in itself traumatic. Having someone touch you less than 72hrs after a rape is indescribable. I couldn't receive counselling during the duration of the investigation as sessions and things I spoke about could be used against me in court. It was hard. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I couldn't talk to family or friends as I didn't want to burden them but equally keeping it inside was genuinely killing me. I started self-harming daily and abusing alcohol to cope with the overwhelming emotions. In October 2013, I started showing signs of PTSD. I started having night terrors, flashbacks and became extremely agoraphobic. I thought it was an illness that people only got when they had been to wars and seen terrible things. I never realized it could effect me.

I spiraled further and further into my depression until I hit my lowest in January 2014. I received a call that my investigation was being halted and that they were sorry but they would not be looking into my case any further. That night I became consumed with guilt and self-loathing . It's almost like I had completely switched bodies. My agoraphobia tunnel-visioned me into thinking I would never be safe. I became convinced that my rapists would find me and hurt me again. Any passion I had clung to for the last few months had completely dissipated. I felt that I couldn't turn to anyone who could understand what I was feeling. I felt helpless, desperate and alone. In my fear, I took a significant overdose and attempted to end my life. I was luckily found. If I had been brought to the hospital 2hrs later, my liver would have not survived and I would have died. Looking back now I know that this was an incredibly selfish and narrow minded thing to do. At the time however, I genuinely felt that my life was never going to improve. 

That was over two years ago now and I am proud to say that I have never, ever been back to that point in my life. I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for the support, love and dedication I have received from my partner, friends, family, and Mind. It's been a long journey and I know I am far from the finish. I wish I could say that you wake up one day and you stop feeling like a victim, but, sadly you don't. I wake up almost every day having to list off the things I am grateful for just so I feel sane. I remind myself that I am not a victim, that I am a survivor. Mind has allowed me to talk to other young women who have been through my same experiences and through their mantras and cups of tea, I'm beginning to feel human again.

 I am not just doing this half marathon for me. I am doing it for them, for you, for everyone. A shocking 1 in 4 people experience some kind of mental health disorder at some point in their lives. Personally I believe this figure to be more realistic at 90% of people. Everyone goes through periods in their life where they feel they cannot cope. Money, relationships, work, health are all driving factors in many conditions. Mind has shown me so many wonderful coping methods to make my day to day feel like I am actually living. I've never been good at writing but I feel that this summarizes just how my journey has been these last few years; 'I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back, how one man can literally buckle under the same pressures other men operate normally under. I have scoped this out from all angles, multiple times. I have been over everything in my head 'till I can't think anymore. But I guess sometimes when you can't breathe there are people there to breathe for you. I am lucky enough to have those people around me. Thank you for helping me to not die'

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope you have a wonderful and blessed day.