LINDSAY WAS TO BE INDUCED ON THE TWELTH DAY FOLLOWING HER DUE DATE.

THIS WOULD BE WEDNESDAY 26TH SEPTEMBER.

WE COUNTED EACH DAY DOWN WITH NO SIGN OF KATY’S IMPENDING ARRIVAL.

I KNEW LINZ WAS GETTING IMPATIENT; A BABY WAS SOMETHING SHE HAD CRAVED SINCE BEFORE WE MET.  SHE HAD A NATURAL MATERNAL INSTINCT, IT WAS NICE TO SEE HER WITH KIDS, THEY ALL SEEMED TO TAKE TO HER IMMEDIATELY AND SHE ALWAYS KNEW HOW TO REACT TO THEM.

EACH  NIGHT ON LEAVING WORK I WOULD PHONE HER IN THE CAR ON MY WAY HOME AND ASK HOW SHE’D BEEN AND IF THERE WERE ANY SIGNS YET.

WE HAD TICKETS TO SEE MICHAEL MCINTYRE ON THE SATURDAY EVENING (22ND) I HAD BOOKED THEM 18 MONTHS PREVIOUSLY AND WE WEREN’T SURE IF WE WERE GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT, SATURDAY CAME WITH STILL NO SIGN SO WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE N.I.A.  AND I WATCHED HER FOR MOST OF THE NIGHT CRY WITH LAUGHTER, THERE’S A PICTURE IN MY HEAD OF HER WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER FACE, I DON’T THINK SHE’D EVER LAUGHED SO HARD. WE HAD A GREAT TIME.

AFTER THE WEEKEND THE COUNTDOWN REALLY BEGAN, WE KNEW WEDNESDAY WAS THE DAY BUT STILL HOPED THAT KATY WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE, SHE DIDN’T.

ON TUESDAY, KATY HAD BEEN KICKING FURIOUSLY AS USUAL AND LINDSAY HAD TOLD HER TO BE PATIENT SHE COULD “COME OUT TOMORROW”.

WEDNESDAY MORNING ARRIVED AND I HAD BEEN AWARE LINZ HAD BEEN UP IN THE NIGHT, THIS WASN’T UNUSUAL AS SHE HAD BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY AND FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO SLEEP FOR LONG PERIODS.

SHE WAS EXPERIENCING SOME PAIN AND DISCUSSED IT WITH ME WHEN I WOKE UP, SHE WAS HOPEFUL THAT IT WAS THE START OF CONTRACTIONS AND THAT KATY WOULDN’T NEED TO BE INDUCED, AS THE MORNING WENT ON, THE PAINS SEEMED TO SETTLE INTO A PATTERN THAT SUGGESTED CONTRACTIONS.

SHE TELEPHONED THE HOSPITAL AND WAS TOLD TO COME IN FOR 10AM TO BEGIN THE INDUCEMENT.

I MADE SURE SHE WAS OK AND THEN TOOK THE DOG OUT FOR HIS MORNING WALK. I KNEW IT WASN’T GOING TO BE AN EASY DAY AND THAT CHILDBIRTH HAS ITS DIFFICULTIES, BUT I REMEMBER FEELING THAT ONCE KATY WAS HERE WE COULD START THE LIFE THAT LINDSAY HAD LONGED FOR; I ALWAYS GOT A BUZZ FROM BEING ABLE TO MAKE HER HAPPY.

WHEN I RETURNED HOME LINZ WAS PRETTY MUCH READY TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, I QUICKLY CHANGED AND CARRIED HER BAGS DOWNSTAIRS, WE HUGGED IN THE HALLWAY AND SAID LETS GO AND DO IT THEN (OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT)

WE ARE LIVING IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUILDING SITE AT THE MOMENT AND THE ROADS AREN’T FINISHED AND SHE TOLD ME TO MIND THE BUMPS AS SHE WAS FEELING THEM AFFECT THE PAINS SHE WAS GETTING. I DROVE SLOWLY AND GINGERLY TO THE HOSPITAL AND WE PARKED OUTSIDE ON THE ROAD.

SHE INSISTED ON ME TAKING BOTH BAGS IN WITH US, WHICH WEIGHED A TON AND I REMEMBER THINKING THAT I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED TO HOLD HER HAND, BUT I DID AS I WAS ASKED, SHE’D PACKED EVERYTHING SHE NEEDED AND DIDN’T WANT TO BE MISSING SOMETHING SO THAT I WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE HER TO FETCH IT.

WE FINALLY REACHED THE WARD AND WAS SHOWN ROUND, WE WERE PLACED IN THE CORNER OF A FOUR BED WARD, ONLY ONE OTHER BED WAS TAKEN, THE MIDWIFE CAME OVER AND INTRODUCED HERSELF AND TOOK LINDSAY’S BLOOD PRESSURE, ALL WAS FINE.

SHE CAME BACK WITH THE MONITOR THAT LISTENS FOR THE BABIES HEARTBEAT, AFTER A FEW ATTEMPTS SHE DECIDED TO CALL ANOTHER MIDWIFE TO HELP HER FIND THE PULSE, THEY KEPT FEELING LINDSAY’S STOMACH TRYING TO ASCERTAIN WHICH WAY ROUND KATY WAS, I WAS NOT UNDULY ALARMED BUT I COULD SEE IN LINDSAY’S FACE THAT SHE WANTED IT FOUND AND QUICK.

THE MIDWIVES SUGGESTED THE EASIEST WAY WAS TO HAVE A SCAN TO DETERMINE WHICH WAY ROUND KATY WAS, WE WERE TAKEN TO A PRIVATE ROOM WHERE THE APPARATUS WAS SET UP AND THE DOCTOR CAME IN TO DO THE SCAN. AFTER WHAT ONLY SEEMED LIKE A MINUTE, HE PUT THE SCANNER DOWN AND SAID HE WAS VERY SORRY TO TELL US, BUT OUR BABY HAD DIED.

I WAS STUNNED BUT LINDSAY QUICKLY BECAME DISTRESSED, IT TOOK ME A FEW MINUTES FOR THE NEWS TO SINK IN BEFORE WE WERE HUGGING AND CRYING TOGETHER, ALL THE TIME I COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

THEY LEFT THE ROOM SO THAT WE COULD HAVE SOME TIME TO TAKE IN THE SITUATION, LINDSAY HAD STARTED TO RECEIVE TEXTS ASKING IF KATY HAD ARRIVED YET, AFTER A PERIOD WE DECIDED WE HAD TO LET PEOPLE KNOW, WE BOTH RANG OUR PARENTS, LINDSAY’S MUM WAS VERY DISTRESSED AND I REMEMBER LINDSAY TELLING HER TO CALM DOWN AND BEING WORRIED FOR HER.  SHE RANG HER MUM AGAIN TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS OK AND I TRIED TO CALL HER DAD TO COME HOME AND SIT WITH HER, HE DIDN’T ANSWER THE PHONE SO I CALLED HER MUM WHO THEN INSISTED SHE WAS OK AND TO LOOK AFTER EACH OTHER.  IT WAS TYPICAL LINDSAY TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT OTHERS BEFORE HERSELF.

AFTER A PERIOD OF TIME I WAS STARTING TO GET RESTLESS, WE COULDN’T JUST SIT HERE, WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW I WAS ASKING.  THE HOSPITAL PREPARED A ROOM FOR US ON THE MATERNITY SUITE AND WE WERE TRANSFERRED THERE, WE WALKED IN THERE, NO WHEELCHAIRS OR TROLLIES, SHE WAS STILL FINE, DESPITE THE HEARTBREAKING NEWS SHE WAS DEALING WITH.

WE WERE LEFT THERE FOR A WHILE, WE WERE TOLD THE DOCTOR WOULD COME AND TALK US THROUGH WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.  WHEN WE HAD ARRIVED WE WERE TOLD THAT IT COULD TAKE UP TO THREE DAYS FROM THE INDUCEMENT UNTIL BABY WAS BORN, I WAS THINKING NOW THAT IT COULD BE THE SAME TO DELIVER OUR DEAD BABY AND I WORRIED FOR LINDSAY.

THE PAINS THROUGH THIS PERIOD HAD STARTED TO GET WORSE AND LINDSAY ASKED FOR SOME PAIN RELIEF, SHE WAS GIVEN TABLETS AND TOLD THEY COULD TAKE 15 MINUTES TO GET IN HER SYSTEM, WE WERE SAT IN TWO ARMCHAIRS TALKING, HUGGING AND TRYING TO COME TO TERMS WITH WHAT HAD HAPPENED.

I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD BE WITH HER THAT I LOVED HER SO MUCH AND SHE SAID THE SAME BACK TO ME AND THEN SAID “WE’VE TAKEN IT ALL FOR GRANTED”

SHE THEN SAID SHE NEEDED MORE PAIN RELIEF, I CALLED THE NURSE WHO ORGANISED THE GAS AND AIR TO BE SET UP, LINDSAY WAS BACK AND FORWARD TO THE BATHROOM IN THE ROOM AS THE PAINS MADE HER NEED THE LOO, SHE WAS SICK AND THE NURSE TRIED TO COOL HER DOWN BY FANNING HER, ALTHOUGH ALL THIS WAS GOING ON LINDSAY WAS MOVING ABOUT AND TALKING, NOTHING SEEMED TO BE ANYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. 

THE DOCTOR ARRIVED IN THE ROOM TO TALK US THROUGH WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN LINDSAY SUDDENLY JUST PASSED OUT.  THE DOCTOR, MIDWIFE AND I ALL HELPED LINDSAY BACK TO THE BED, I WAS TALKING TO HER TO COME BACK TO US, EVERYTHING WAS OK, I JUST ASSUMED SHE HAD FAINTED.

THE DOCTOR STARTED TO CHECK HER OVER AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW THEY HAD CALLED THE CRASH TEAM.  THE ROOM FILLED WITH PEOPLE AND TROLLIES AND APPARATUS IN SECONDS. I STOOD JUST OUT OF THE WAY, WATCHING THEM WORK, I WAS ASKED IF I WANTED TO LEAVE BUT I FELT IN CONTROL AND SAID I WANTED TO STAY.  I COUNTED FOURTEEN PEOPLE WORKING ON HER AROUND THE BED.  I REMEMBER SEEING A PLASTIC BREATHING BOTTLE BEING USED ON HER AND AT THAT MOMENT I FELT A MASSIVE PRESSURE IN MY CHEST, I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT THE MOMENT OF REALISATION OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING WILL STAY WITH ME FOR EVER.

THERE WAS A MASS OF ACTIVITY AND THEN THE HEART MONITOR BURST INTO LIFE, THE MATRON TURNED TO ME AND SAID “SHE’S STABLE” I CAN’T TELL YOU THE RUSH OF RELIEF THAT PULLED THROUGH ME, I WAS STILL FEELING THAT RUSH MOMENTS LATER WHEN IT BECAME OBVIOUS THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER STABLE, I REMEMBER THEM SAYING “RIGHT GET HER TO THEATRE NOW” AND I WAS LEAD INTO THE NEXT ROOM.

THE FOLLOWING HOUR OR SO WAS THE WORST TIME I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED, THE NEWS OF THE BABY HAD BECOME INSIGNIFICANT, I HAD A MIDWIFE SITTING WITH ME; I KEPT ASKING HER TO GO AND FIND OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON, I MOVED SOME FURNITURE WHILE SHE WAS GONE SO I COULD PACE THE FLOOR.  I CALLED LINDSAY’S PARENTS AND ASKED THEM TO COME AND SEE US, THEY HAD A BUSY RUSH HOUR JOURNEY SO I DIDN’T LET ON ABOUT LINDSAY.  

I HEARD THE MIDWIFE PUNCHING IN THE KEY CODE TO RE-ENTER AND DREADED WHAT SHE WOULD TELL ME, I HAD BECOME CONVINCED I WAS GOING TO LOSE HER.  I ASKED THE MIDWIFE SEVERAL TIMES TO FIND NEWS AND EXACTLY THE SAME FEAR CAME OVER ME EVERY TIME SHE RETURNED.  AFTER SOME TIME THE ANAESTHETIST CAME TO SEE ME, I COULD TELL BY THE LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT IT WASN’T GOOD NEWS.

HE TOLD ME SHE WAS VERY POORLY AND THAT THEY WERE VERY WORRIED THAT SHE WOULDN’T MAKE IT, I REMEMBER FEELING THE MOST INTENSE PRESSURE.

 MAYBE ONLY A MINUTE OR TWO AFTER THE ANAESTHETIST LEFT, LINDSAY’S PARENTS AND SISTER ARRIVED.  I WATCHED AS HER MUM ENTERED THE ROOM AND SCANNED ROUND LOOKING FOR LINDSAY, COME AND SIT DOWN I HEARD MYSELF SAY.

I EXPLAINED THE SITUATION TO THEM, I COULD FEEL THEM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND DEAL WITH THE SHOCK AT THE SAME TIME.  IT DIDN’T SEEM LIKE MORE THAN A COUPLE OF MINUTES BEFORE THE HEAD DOCTOR CAME IN AND DELIVERED THE NEWS THAT RIPPED ME TO PIECES.

THEY HAD MANAGED TO RESTART HER HEART ON A COUPLE OF OCCASIONS AND LINDSAY HAD MOVED, BUT THEY COULDN’T SAVE HER.

MY LIFE STOPPED RIGHT THERE AND THEN IN THAT ROOM.

ALL THE DOCTORS AND STAFF WERE IN BITS, I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE HOW THEY REACTED, I HAVE A WHOLE NEW RESPECT FOR WHAT THEY CAN GO THROUGH IN A DAYS WORK.  THEY WORKED SO HARD TO SAVE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

I WAS LEAD TO SEE LINDSAY AND SPENT SOME TIME WITH HER AND KATY.

KATY HAD BEEN DELIVERED BY EMERGENCY CAESARIAN WHILE THEY TRIED TO SAVE LINDSAY, SHE NEVER GOT TO HOLD THE BABY SHE SO LONGED FOR AND DIED FOR.  THEIR BEAUTY STILL SHONE OUT OF THEM, I JUST FELT THAT IT WAS ALL A DREAM, AFTER A WHILE I NEEDED TO GET OUTSIDE.

I REMEMBER THE AUTOMATIC DOOR OPENING AND I WALKED OUT INTO THE DARK, I WAS A WIDOW, MY BABY KATY HAD DIED AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE HAD PASSED TOO.  THIS WAS NOT HOW IT WAS MEANT TO BE.

POST MORTEMS WE'RE CARRIED OUT ON THEM, UNBELIEVABLY THE DEATHS WERE NOT CONNECTED.

LINDSAY DIED FROM AN AMNIOTIC FLUID EMBOLISM. 

IT WAS THREE WEEKS BEFORE THE FUNERAL ON 19TH OCTOBER.  I HAD ASKED EVERYONE TO MEET US AT THE CREMATORIUM; I WAS CONCERNED THAT ANYONE FOLLOWING THE HEARSE WOULD GET STUCK IN TRAFFIC AND MISS THE START OF THE SERVICE.

I HAD WRITTEN A LOT OF THE WORDS TO THE SERVICE, THE CHAPLAIN HAD GIVEN ME FREE REIGN TO EDIT THE WHOLE THING.  I HAD SELECTED SOME OF OUR FAVOURITE TUNES AND WRITTEN A EULOGY.  IT WAS AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS OUR WEDDING 17 MONTHS PREVIOUSLY.

WHEN WE ARRIVED AT THE CREMATORIUM, I COULD SEE THERE WAS A LOT OF CARS PARKED UP, AS WE ENTERED THE GATE AND SLOWLY EMERGED UP THE DRIVE I WAS ASTOUNDED TO SEE SO MANY PEOPLE WAITING FOR US, THEY ALL STOOD IN SILENCE, THEY WERE EVERYWHERE, I WAS SO PLEASED FOR LINDSAY THAT THEY CAME TO SAY GOODBYE, EASILY IN THEIR HUNDREDS.

THE SERVICE WAS EVERYTHING I HAD HOPED IT WOULD BE FOR LINDSAY AND KATY. KATY WAS LAID TO REST IN LINDSAY’S ARMS AND THEY WOULD BE AT REST TOGETHER FOREVER.

I SEE LINDSAY AND THE LOVE SHE GAVE IN THE TIME WE HAD AS A GIFT.  IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN IN MY LIFETIME.  THE MOST POSITIVE THING I CAN TAKE FROM THIS IS HOW SPECIAL SHE WAS, HOW MANY PEOPLE LOVED HER, RELIED ON HER, HOW SHE GAVE HER TIME AND LOVE FREELY AND HOW MUCH I ADORED HER, SHE WAS AN ANGEL AMONG US AND I KNEW THAT WHEN SHE WAS STILL WITH ME.