Almost 6 years ago, October 6th 2010 I had my last drink (one day at a time now and forever…). I cannot allow my past to be forgotten or the stories of the people who have fallen due to addiction. I have to remember the shakes, the sweats, the pain. I have to remember the people who are not with us today because of substance abuse and the shame around it, having their secrets keep them sick.

My mom has told me many times over the years that she wishes she could understand my struggles with alcohol. But her own personal journey has had its own unique struggles and challenges that I can’t understand. Feelings of sadness, fear, frustration, and hopelessness with having a daughter that’s an addict. Not that I know what she has gone through and never would I pretend to, but I found myself on the other side of the coin this year.

These past 6 months I have seen and experienced the real consequences and the subsequent bottom of my disease.

I woke up on March 26th, reached over to my bedside table to turn off my alarm and saw dozens of texts and missed calls. “Have you heard?” “CALL ME!” “Do you know what happened?” “Is it true?” “Are you okay?” “What was he using?”. I dropped to my knees and pleaded for it not to be true. There was an immediate succession of denial, anger and bargaining that it was all a nightmare I would wake up from.

Addicts gamble on their lives every day that we drink and drug. As I get older I see more and more of the people I have come to know and love end up on the losing side.

Addiction is seen as a character flaw or weakness and this stigma is deadly. People die every day because they feel that they can’t share what they are going through, afraid to disappoint or burden the people they care about. Looking through my texts with my friend who passed away in March, I knew he was struggling. I asked him to call me at any time he needed to talk and he made the promise to call, but it never came. The world lost someone truly remarkable at the young age of 28. He was sorry for not reaching out in the past due to embarrassment of not being strong enough to stop using and I want to make it clear that is has nothing to do with strength or will power when you are in the throes of addiction. The stereotypes have to end and I believe this it begins with educating ourselves and the young generation on drug dependence.

I feel a responsibility to spread mindfulness because it’s not the weak, homeless, jobless that are suffering. The majority are of us strong, bright, amazing people that have no intention to hurt anyone but themselves, and need a safe place/person to ask for help. An audience that is understanding and nonjudgmental will be the first step in saving lives of people who cannot save themselves.

So with that, I am starting this fundraiser page to mark the October 7th date which I usually just use to write a quick little Facebook message to mark the date of my last drink. The Amy Winehouse Foundation is a charity that works to prevent the effects of drug and alcohol misuse on young people because that’s when it starts. Parents are losing their kids to addiction everyday but there are things we, me, you can do to minimize the losses. My goal is to raise $2,000 by end of October and I will contribute $100 to start off and another $100 for every $1,000 donated.

The mentality of drug addicts and alcoholics is wholly irrational and until you understand that they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have structured help, they have no hope. Please help in donating, sharing and spreading the word that without help of others, we will all continue to feel the personal loss of people who cannot help themselves.